Expression: Get Along Like a House on Fire

This is a series of posts in which I (Bear) poke fun at common phrases and expressions from an “autistic” point of view. What do I mean by that? Well, autistics have a tendency to take things very literally, and a lot of these phrases don’t make any sense at all when you do that.

“They get along like a house on fire”. Come on, really? Are you listening to yourself? Fire is a destructive force. If you were on fire, you wouldn’t say that you and the fire “get along”. You would be doing whatever you could to put yourself out. And if houses could experience emotions, no doubt they would similarly express a desire not to be engulfed in flames. Not wanting to be on fire is one of few things that is truly universal.

To say that two people “get along like a house on fire” would better describe a relationship that’s extremely one-sided or abusive. The person who’s the “fire” in this metaphor is obsessed with the “house”, but the “house” doesn’t want to have anything to do with them.

When a fire is left unattended, it spreads and destroys a house from the inside out. Is this how you perceive the positive relationships in your life? If you do, quickly find some new people to spend your time with. If not, don’t use this expression.

Understanding the Spectrum: A Comic

Bear here. Today I’m going to post a comic I found that gives a great explanation of the autism spectrum. I do NOT take credit for creating this.

http://theoraah.tumblr.com/post/142300214156/understanding-the-spectrum

Expression: Raining Cats and Dogs

This is a series of posts in which I poke fun at common phrases and expressions from an “autistic” point of view. What do I mean by that? Well, autistics have a tendency to take things very literally, and a lot of these phrases don’t make any sense at all when you do that.

Here’s one that I’m sure has caused many autistic children to scratch their heads: it’s raining cats and dogs. When I was young, I wondered if this was a real weather phenomenon, or if maybe it referred to a famous incident when a bunch of cats and dogs fell out of a plane. Nope: it just means it’s raining really hard. Why cats and dogs, though? Who was it that saw rain and thought, “Wow! Large raindrops are just like little animals!” The expression had to originate somewhere, right? But who would actually think that? Honestly, has nobody ever considered how horrific it would be if it were actually raining cats and dogs?

Let’s go ahead and try to visualize this expression, shall we? (Once again, credit goes to Google images)

Well, that’s ridiculous. But more than that, it’s downright gruesome. This is supposed to be a humorous image? How so? Because what I see is a bunch of furry critters falling to their deaths. The moment those cats and dogs hit the pavement, they’re going to be all over it, if you catch my meaning. And the guy with the umbrella doesn’t even care! What a sadist!

Clearly, this expression is not as innocuous as you thought. The next time you want to want to use a phrase to say that it’s raining, try substituting “cats and dogs” with something that doesn’t explode into hundreds of bloody chunks when it hits the ground.

News Story: Autistic Boy Locked in Cage

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-08-16/school-investigated-after-claims-boy-with-autism-locked-in-cage/7747494

Yes, another story about an autistic kid being abused by his teachers. This time, the incident took place at a school specially dedicated for autistic children. I have varying opinions on whether the existence of such schools is a positive thing (perhaps a subject for another post), but I will say this: I doubt that abuse at such institutions is uncommon. Whenever people of a minority group are set aside in a place just for them, it creates a situation begging to be mishandled; history has shown this time and time again, not just with autistics. It’s unfortunate, and while it would be absurd to assume it happens every single time (many of these schools have far more positive track records), it does happen–the proof is right here.

On to the story itself: a school for autistic children in New South Wales, Australia, has been locking kids in a cage whenever they “misbehave” (I put this in quotes because the school, much like in other, similar cases, has likely created a definition that includes all autistic behavior as misbehavior) a practice which remained in the dark until one mother saw it happening. The school had never intended to let parents know they were doing this, and is of course trying to say they did nothing wrong.

Those of us who know better can see this for what it is: a case of adults exerting dominance over disabled children so that they have a chance to feel powerful.

Expression: Happy as a Clam

I’m happy as a clam right now.

But what does that mean? The built-in assumption is that clams are happy, but what if they’re not? What if the clam in question is a sad clam? If it’s a sad clam, then saying “I’m happy as a clam” actually means that I’m sad. But people will assume it means I’m happy. Why? Why must people pretend to know how the clam is feeling? That kind of presumptuous thinking makes me sick. And when I’m sick, I’m not happy. I’m as happy as a very sad clam right now!

Here’s another one involving sea creatures: “Having a whale of a time.” If someone says this, they’re trying to say they’re having a good time, but they’re not doing a very good job of expressing it. They’ve gone and confused themselves into thinking that whales inherently equate to goodness, or something like that. How are whales relevant in this context? It’s like if I were to say, “I would continue this post, but whales.” What does “whales” mean in this sentence? Am I being attacked by whales, thus preventing me from writing anything more? Nobody can possibly know unless I tell them.

Incidentally: I would continue this post, but whales.

News Story: Fake Cures for Autism Prove Deadly

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2016/jul/13/fake-cures-autism-prove-deadly

Bear here. Here’s one from the UK, though I think it’s reasonable to assume that it’s happening in other places, as well. It talks about a phenomenon I was only marginally aware of: the sale of fake autism “cures” to parents who don’t know any better. And we’re not just talking about scammers trying to get away with selling sugar pills at ridiculous prices, although I’m sure that’s happening, too. The “cures” talked about in this article are legitimately dangerous, many of them being comprised of poisonous substances that can harm or kill whoever consumes them.

I’ve talked before about how I feel about the concept of a “cure” for autism, so I won’t get into that here. Aside from that, what else is there to say about this article? Poison is being administered to children under the pretense that it’s a cure for autism. Parents struggling to cope with their children’s condition could give in and purchase these items only to be rewarded with their child’s death. And in spite of this, the article goes on to say that many people remain convinced that these cures are effective.

Well, maybe they have a point–dead people aren’t autistic or neurotypical. They’re just dead.

Expression: Like Shooting Fish in a Barrel

This expression is meant to convey that something is easy, because shooting fish in a barrel is easy. At least it kind of makes sense, because it’s hard to argue that shooting fish in a barrel would be difficult. The bigger question here is why anyone would do this–that is, shoot fish in a barrel–in the first place. Why isn’t the phrase something like, “it’s as easy as walking two feet”, or “easy as saying the word ‘apes’?” Why something strange and obscure like shooting fish in a barrel? Who in their right mind would put fish in a barrel and shoot at them?

Speaking of “easy as” expressions, there are some other odd ones, too. For example: “like taking candy from a baby.” Again, I’m sure it’s true that that’s easy, but there are two things worth noting; first, babies shouldn’t have candy in the first place. And secondly, who steals from babies? Why is this an expression? Nobody does that!

One last example is “easy as pie”, or the similar expression, “piece of cake.” These two don’t make sense. Pie is pie and cake is cake. There’s nothing “easy” or “hard” about them. They’re just things. It’s like if I said, “easy as door”. People would laugh at me, but the truth is they should be laughing at themselves because the things they say are just as ridiculous.

News Story: Autistic Kid Abused by Teacher

http://www.littlethings.com/dad-secret-recording/?utm_content=inf_10_2482_2&utm_source=edge&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=tse&tse_id=INF_64b4905043b711e6b82b0b827aa028d6

Bear here, with another viral story. This one’s about a gentle autistic kid named Akian who began acting out, igniting suspicion from his dad (If I acted out in school, I’d just get punished. Talk about a lack of faith from my parents, huh? I mean, I acted out all the time, but I don’t really see how that’s relevant.). So Dad sent him to school with a tape recorder, and found out his teacher was mistreating him (I swear, this happened to me too! My teachers forced us to learn mathematics! Where’s the outrage?) Said teacher was making a total donkey of herself, doing and saying things that one should never do around children, much less disabled children. She also bullied him specifically for being different, because why the heck not?

I have two reactions to this story: one, it’s sickening that an adult could treat a disabled child this way, but it does happen. And two, it saddens me to hear this teacher wasn’t fired from her job. Instead, she was simply moved to a different district. If people are going to exhibit such behavior, they could at the very least be punished accordingly.

News Story: Virtual Reality a Helpful Mechanism for Kids with Autism

Article:

http://blog.theautismsite.com/virtual-reality/?utm_source=aut-autaware&utm_medium=social-fb&utm_term=20160626&utm_content=link&utm_campaign=virtual-reality&origin=aut_autaware_social_fb_link_virtual-reality_20160626

By Bear

What’s that? Video games are good for you? Say it ain’t so!

Okay, I admit I might have a slight bias toward video games (which are amazing). That’s why this particular story stood out to me. And I should point out that while the article is over a year old, it’s more relevant now because at the time of its publication, virtual reality devices were not readily available to the public. The first of these devices, the Oculus Rift, was officially released in March of this year–and has brought with it applications that traditional games could never hope to achieve. Due to the enhanced immersion factor present in these types of games, this article suggests they could be used for therapy, or as a teaching mechanism for kids with autism. I’m not too familiar with how VR works at this point, having not jumped on board to try it out just yet, but I’m pleased to know the technology could be put towards this kind of use. All hail video games!

Expression: Beating Around the Bush

“Stop beating around the bush!” What does it mean when someone says this? Clearly they’re telling you to put away your stick and stop repeatedly whacking the poor bush that never did anything to you. Except poop on your lawn. Do bushes do that?

It turns out, however, that what this person is actually trying to communicate is that they want you to hurry up and get to the point. Wait, what? So does that mean I can keep hitting the bush, or–nope, here comes the neighbor with a shotgun, and I don’t think he’s happy about me knocking all the leaves off his hedges.

I’d say he wants me to “stop beating around his bush”, but for reasons beyond my comprehension, that’s not what that phrase really means.

I’ve been beating around the bush long enough, so I’m just gonna get to the point: this is a dumb expression. You’re welcome.